i'm wondering if you have other narc's in your past? that's been my pattern beginning with my mom (narc).

you are never going to get the closer that you want with a narc, they only make you feel crazy. you have to find something new and healthy to focus on. get into therapy or a local support group if possible. codependency is something for you to research.

Thank you for all your responses. I feel like an annoyance. Haha. I know all of you are right an I just joined that group like you advised. I'm not sure if I am involved with other narcs. My dad is manic and suffers from severe depression. Though he is full of love, it is almost as if he vanished these past two years due to the fact that his mania medicine doesn't work anymore. So I suppose the abandonment feels somewhat the same. I am still very young. So I know I will get past this. I couldn't thank all of you enough for helping me though and creating this site. It feels good to be able to vent and not feel as judged. I am looking I to therapy because it would be nice to talk to someone.

You have shined a light on things for me in so many ways. I know all you did was respond but I hope you know how truly thankful I am for all the responses you gave me. And I would do anything to make your husband change into a man you fully deserve. and I will be praying for you. Thank you again. I am definitely going to do my best to take your advice.

suvivorgirl, thank you for your post.

this book has been mentioned before "the verbally abusive relationship". negative attention is still attention.

my ex can't stand when i ignore him. he'll get angry, then he'll apologize. it doesn't really matter any more because i know he won't/can't change.

as it was explained to me by my first therapist, someone like that can change but it takes intense years of therapy. But they never think they are the one with the problem!!!

i guess it comes down to how much time you want to spend on a relationship that is not working.

I am on my third day of not contacting him. yes I know that pathetic that I am proud of that but I usually am not able to go this long. my best friend tells me that he is probably going to contact me again soon due to the fact that I haven't but I am starting to feel strong and I don't know.

3 days is great!!! when i quite smoking, the first 3 days were the worst. :)

i know how hard it is for you, and i'm SO glad you have a friend who is there for you. one day at a time. good for you for giving yourself credit. baby steps!!

your friend is right; when you ignore your ex, he's going to escalate. he may cry, scream, beg... so stay strong and have your supporters "on-call". you are his drug and he is yours.

Well thank you, and thank you for your constant support. I owe you!

Today I caved and wished him a merry Christmas. I don't know who I hate more? Me or him for still ignoring me. I'm so mad at myself. I don't understand though. Why is he still ignoring me? Is this a forever thing? What did I do wrong

Hello Mba & Andine

I have never resumed contact with my Stbx since the steamroller divorce initiation he began in May. 8 months. Perhaps due to difficulties with son, strange desire to trick him into believing I was pursuing him... to rip away later, or some strange reason I do not understand. While doing a little shopping, I had an idea I Felt was a Good one.ha A Christmas Card!

I bought Stbx a Xmas card {$1 ;)} to leave in his mail box. It started out innocently. The last Xmas as a married couple, so mature, kind of me, yes give the card! It quickly became less honorable! Do we all sometimes have a strange irrational urge to do something really dumb? While in the car leaving the store, card in hand, I figured out When to leave it so he would Not have time to Reciprocate Before Xmas.silly Enjoyed creating ploys to hurt who has seriously hurt me, our children, and finances. Imagining how Powerful He Would Feel as this indicated(for him) I Clearly Wanted and Needed Him back. How desperate I was to get him back! Planning What To Write in the card... Causing pain, as he has No Family to share Xmas with, which my Existence brings to light. All the things I could share about our child... that he of course missed out on! If Tucked away somewhere the back of my mind I felt it might make him Miss Christmases Past... Want to make Amends & Want Me Back. How Bad He would feel Later when He Realized how Deceived HE Had Been. Mature & Kind motive bit the dust!HaHaHa I know amends are the very last thing on his mind & Never would have occurred to him anyway. I also remembered He Is Perfect, actually has stated this. blah blah He did nothing wrong, it was ALL ME!ridiculous Any emotion I hoped to elicit would not have been experienced anyway, Oh, well. Cross arms, nod head, back to sanity!(:

So, card was not delivered. I Truly would have Enjoyed having him feel what I wanted him to feel and later discover I was messing with him, as he always had me. It's my hurt & anger, right? I did have something better to think about this Christmas Eve. Do wish more time had been spent on those. Thanks for the reminder no communication is what is best for me to continue with, costs me no time, or mental effort! I also know the appropriate loss of control is, for him, more
uncomfortable than manufactured game.

I may still write in the card, and then burn it, letting these feelings go up in smoke before the new year!

Have a lovely Xmas!

Just lost my head for a few days. Thanks for putting it back on! ;)

So you wanted him back but he just "vanished" basically? It is so hard. I'm so tired of feeling worthless.

I can't say I Ever Wanted Him back. Not since he set foot outside the house with this grand stand play. I can say he vanished... Not coming home after clearly making plans with our son to save money for summer vacation and to talk about the new car I need. Poof... Money gone, no vacation planned, avoiding addressing car needs, closet empty, whatever he wanted gone, an email he had left received MUCH later, with no indication of where he was, and then a series of attacks by threatening emails. Fun stuff. Somehow narcissist that he is, blames me for his son not speaking to him.

My "fantasy" I guess was to have him experience as much pain as our son and myself have due to his deception. Atleast I did not follow through with my warped plan that would not have achieved what I wanted! I wanted him to feel pain, everyone else has, why not him? Oh well,it is not me, my children, or You that is the worthless one sweetie. I hope you enjoy tomorrow!smile

I think he will feel the pain because eventually he will be alone. I will pray for you and your son. Merry Christmas.

being calm and at peace is my healthy priority, not obsessing about, and wishing someone else to suffer. our abusers/ex's may indeed have personality disorders which limits/prevents their capacity/ability to feel in the way that we do. it may be in our best interest (and our children's)to think about how to improve our lives/mental health and less about our ex's state of mind, etc. I believe that our recovery relies on us focusing on our own lives and those we are responsible to care for, and the new direction we need to take, by looking in front of us and less so behind.

the past is a great teacher of what to avoid. if we are feeling "worthless", it's not because we don't have the relationship we want; that's something we most likely learned growing up. if we truly want to begin our recovery, we have to learn new ways of behaving and how to change our old dysfunctional patterns. we can do this thru reading, therapy and support groups. we are fortunate to have so many great, healthy resources at our disposal.

I don't know what has happened to me. I was doing so great. I was happy again. And now I feel like I suffocating in my thoughts. I want the pain to stop but I am giving myself the pain and I don't know how to stop it. I don't want to think about him anymore :( I feel so incredibly sad that he is ignoring me. He literally is ignoring my existence and I just want one response. I don't know why I can't have that. I cannot stop crying. I just need him to talk to me and something. Tell me what I did wrong, or if maybe there is another girl, or anything. This is so hard.

i'm so sorry but it's not your fault. he probably does not have the ability to have the depth of emotions that you expect of him.

please try to get yourself busy with others things. you are grieving and need support of friends, family, church...every healthy network at your disposal. don't blame yourself.

it's actually better for you to have no contact. you are extremely vulnerable right now and you don't want to be sucked back in to a manipulative relationship.

Honestly, and be as brutal as you'd like. I have sent him so many messages just begging for either a response or explanation, none of them have been mean, just questions and apologizing. He has not responded to ANYTHING for about three weeks. So if I finally lift my head up and tell myself to keep going an stop all contact, block him on fabo, all that good stuff, and move on with my life will he leave me alone forever and I will never have to hear from him again? is this how it works? Like three weeks ago was the last time I'll hear from Kyle for the rest of my life?

I know I keep going back and forth, but I learned a lot today. I found a site called lisascott, honestly it was a huge eye opener for me. I don't feel alone anymore. I don't feel crazy or trapped. It shined light on questions I couldn't get answered before. It reminded me that before Iet him, I was a beautiful wonderful person with a huge heart and that I allowed him to take that from me. I allowed him to take so much of my life that I literally forgot who I was. I don't know if any of y'all feel the same way but if you do, I highly recommend you look back at the person you use to be and if you can't remember ask someone who truly does love you and has known you for a long time. It's probably one of the most painful eye openers I've ever felt but also freeing at the same time. He WILL be back, but for his own personal needs and no one should stand for that.

Hi mba 3528

You sure made tons of sense in the last post! All you wrote is true true true! Glad you located more information and that it is helping you! My previous post regarded thinking things that I Knew were not helpful to me. Including my attempts to rationalize and justify making a stupid action. Surprised myself! A real goo d stab at fooling Myself!ha

Thank God, I was not foolish enough to act on such ridiculous thoughts. Thank God I knew they were ridiculous. Thank God I only entertained insanity!smile Thanks Andine. what you say is sooo true! Hope you both had a wonderful Christmas!

U fortunately for me I did say all the "crazy" thoughts I was thinking. I don't think that's going to stop him from keeping contact years from now. I am actually looking forward to not caring!

our self esteem gets so low, we forget how to value ourself. right now you care more about him than you do yourself, as you continue to work on yourself, you'll get to the point where you'll realize he's not good enough for you!

you are doing a great job. i'm glad you found more info that was helpful. it's a learning process, that's for sure. :)

He truly is not good enough for you! In my case I realized this many years ago, and it continues to be proven over and over again.

growing up, my self esteem was so low that i thought EVERYONE was better than me, and that if someone wasn't nice to me, it was my fault.

it wasn't until i began therapy that i learned that there are some people out there who take advantage of "nice" people. they pretend to care about us, but really they don't. it's a difficult realization to come to and a painful one. we want so much to be loved that we continually care about the wrong people who aren't actually capable of returning our love.

A narcissist will never change until he has sucked you dry and then he moes on to the next victim.

sad but true

Very true. I was married to one for 40 years. The problem with NARCISSISTIC PEOPLE is that they think they ARE NEVER EVER AT FAULT. No matter what happens its the next guys fault. They USE PEOPLE, their MEAN, they get a kick out of HURTING whoever they can. My husband use to make me cry and the next second he'd say, OH ARE WE GOING TO CRY NOW? How cruel. The people in my life who are N, won't go for help. They go on their MERRY WAY thinking everything is fine because they are IN CONTROL. My husband has drained me physically especially going through a 4 year divorce. He has not taken my self esteem away from me though. I love myself and I like who I am. He has how ever taken every last cent I have because I had to pay his 1/2 of of the bills we were suppose to both pay. He on the other hand has taken his girlfriend on 3 cruises, bought a brand new truck, bought a Motor Home etc. while I'm not sure if I will meet my bills each month. They totally love to crush you. I truly believe they could kill a person and just walk away and think nothing of it. My husband was so cruel he would make me sit and go through our checkbook not once or twice but 3 times. I use to get sick when we had to do that. If I was a penny off either to the good or minus a penny, he would scream at me calling me stupid. Finally I told him, you don't like the way I do the checkbook then you take it over. I refused to. He didn't like when I stood up to him. Then we would go on vacation and he had a GPS. He would tell me to look at the GPS and tell me where we had to go. I looked at him and said, What are you absolutely crazy? No matter where we were or what we were doing, I always came last. He had me thinking I was crazy. No I wasn't. These people see themselves as Gods. Through this divorce he has changed lawyers 4 times just so it would drag out and I'd have to spend more money. In fact when I started this divorce he told me, if you go through with this I (him) will take every last cent you have. I had to live with him for 11 months. It was so horrible. He would start saying things just to set me off. So I learned to not answer him, if the TV was ONI would hit the Volume button and just blast it. They can't take it when their not in control. I've figured it out they are this way because they don't like who they are and they have low self esteem. I really wish I would have got away from him sooner. But that's life.